http://www.xanga.com/peter_pan_nightmares

viola. you won't even have to know if i mention you anymore.

edit::

I'm going to make it easier for him. I'm not writing in this anymore except for happy things. I've done more than enough to destroy us both. I'll never get him out of my head, it's a fact, no more going crazy. He hates me. My god, he hates me. Oh god, I can't....please. I can't. no more, please, no more.Why do I torture myself like this.

I'm making a late new years resolution. I will get better even if it kills me. I will win, and I will hate him more than he can ever hate me. I am done with being hurt and having my heart torn out. I am done.

hehatesme. i can't do this.oh god. i can't. ican't even express-oh please, no more, no more no more no more. i love you, i love you so much, i'm so sorry, i wish i could give you back your life, i wish i could erase myself from your memories and your heart, and give back everything you wasted on me. I am so sorry.

Kate is going to break up with Anthony, Anthony is going to break up with Kate. And he thinks I'm the really smart, funny girl......hmmm.

odd.....

Travis didn't drink when he was up in Canada at his mother and stepdad's place. Because I said I didn't like it when he did.

Because. I. Said. I. Didn't. Like. It.

and here I'm not even sure if I really like the guy.

Fell asleep in english comp. One of the chicks there looked at me, "you were snoring"

"yeah, i do that."

"i'd be embaressed."

"dude, i've showered with my boyfriend and drooled on his pillow. nothing embarreses me anymore."

and then i couldn't believe I'd said that, was glad break came, and smoked a cigarette to calm my 'ohshiti'maretard' reaction.

WORKED FROM NINE TO FIVE. NINE TO FUCKING FIVE. IN DRIVE-THRU. ALL DAY!!!

i don't know breakfast, the fuckers, and they put me in pit. nothing to look at when the throw me a name insterad of a number. dude, i'm a fucking lunch/supper person. you put me in drive-thru alone on a friday night and i'll rock.

BUT BREAKFAST?!?!?

bitch rant done now.

the inside of my bottom lip bleeds whenever i talk or smile. i've bitten it that much. see, my mother said:

"if you don't cut yourself from now until your brithday, i'll pay for your tattoo, to get your hair done, a facial, a manicure, and a professional to do your make-up"

CHRIST.

but i want that fucking tattoo, damn it all, so i'm just going to smoke alot, bite my lip alot, and do the dishes when i close. you always get burnt. woot.

not.

he's still there. in my head. like that lingering lonigng ot be high again, only stronger. he catapults me higher than drugs. i can still hear random sentances he'd say to me. ranging from hi to i love the way you moan. its driving me insane.

why can't i just be whole again?

more flirting with Anthony. he's cute. he's thinking of breaking up with Kate.

hmmmm......

Ricky Martin is now on my hot man I would totally do list. I Don't Care is a very cool music video. yep.

Went to Travis's for a bit last night. Ouch. You'd think I'd be used ot him by now, but no, because I am abnormal in all respects.

Talking to these two girls in English Comp the other day-about wantingkids. And now I'm going crazy over it. Didn't help that I saw Jenna (cousin's daughter) the next day. Now I'm ready to cry.

Reagan thinks I'm crazy for wanting to be a mother and  wife-In all honesty, it's my biggest dream. I want the whole arguing where that fucking screw goes in that damn swingswet while the kids play tag, making up over a dinner of macoroni and cheese (because that's all the kids will eat this month), reading them a bedtime story, then substitung apple juice for champagne......

God, I can't wait.

so what in god's name am I doing? I'm in self-destruct mode, and what the hell! I'm not looking forward to life after this, explaining scars to my children, getting wierd looks as a twentysomething, wearing long sleeves to work all the time. I see it now-Kane thinks I keep being attacked by monsters. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeat.

My mother is going to take me to get my hair done, my nails done, and a facial for my 17th. And seh's paying for my tattoo (originally I would have had to pay for half of it). I dunno. I don't care. I'm stuck in that half-child, half-adult thing.

On one hand, I'm in college, a basically full time job, a semi-serious relationship complete with nights spent being fucked senseless....

And then I'm 16, still half-scared to even put air in my tires, having to ask permission to do ANYTHING.......

And then I'm smoking, I'm taking care of Kane as if he's my son (I've had many compliments on my beautiful little boy, he must take after me), I'm getting drunk, and I'm.....stuck. stuckstuckstuck.

Oh, I need to go for a run.

Last night-I had this flashback of it. I was on the interstate, had Dirty Little Secret blasting, and nearly went off the road because I saw him above me, felt his hands on my hips "so beautiful", and I had to pull over, I was crying and shaking, I couldn't breathe. Happily, I've been supressing it all. I barely remember it half the time, and then...anyway. I've been supressing my feelings about the...the abortion I had. I went against all my beliefs to do that-and he was never there. He still isn't. How hard is it to pick up the dman phone and let me cry and listen to me, who else can I talk to? Tori? Step? Nate? Kate? The other ones who don't give a shit, I'm just there to help them.

And how could they even begin to understand? I love him with everything I have in me, and even despite. maybe because of, what I did, I've never loved him more.

Work tonight, 6-11.

Freaked Chantelle out the other day. Kate and I were doing our usual little 'I lvoe you, I love you more' thing, and Kate said, "Cassi, Kiss me!" so I went back in the grill, put my hands on her shoulders, and stage-kissed her. Chantelle was working on some of the dishes and stuttered out a what. Funny.

Was talking to Debbie about the way we both ahd ambitions to be strippers when we were younger. Oh, the joy.